Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
