so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i already hear my dad disowning me
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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