hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
