Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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