a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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