Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
