You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
