Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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