Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
