mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Operation Purity has been aborted
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
