hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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