That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize