Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize