Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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