just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
