Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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