you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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