I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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