White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
