I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
