My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
