I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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