Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
