God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize