I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
