Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
