I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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