I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
