dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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