fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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