i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
