Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
