At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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