never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
