i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
