you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
