I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're a waste of cheezeits
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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