I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
