it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
