fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
