i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
