Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
