ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
