Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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