I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
