You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
