How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
