After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
