my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
