I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
