are you still at the devil's house?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
