Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
