Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
