Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize