Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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