Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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