I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
